The Off-Season Dumpster Fire: A Commissioner's Perspective
December 17, 2025 • Pre-Season Intelligence Briefing
Greetings, dear competitors. While you’re enjoying your winter break, I am doing the hard work of monitoring the absolute chaos engulfing Formula 1. And let me tell you—the 2026 season is shaping up to be spectacular before a single wheel has turned.
Let's discuss the carnage, shall we?
LEWIS HAMILTON'S FERRARI NIGHTMARE
So, Lewis Hamilton joined Ferrari. The seven-time world champion. The most successful British driver in history. Heading to Maranello to write the final, glorious chapter of his career. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, everything, as it turns out.
Hamilton's 2025 season stats: Zero podiums. Zero wins. One Sprint victory in China (which barely counts). Beaten by teammate Charles Leclerc by 86 points. That's not a gap—that's a canyon. The 40-year-old ended the season admitting he had "a lot of rage" and couldn't wait to disconnect from everyone over winter. Ferrari insists the relationship "isn't as bad as it looks," which is exactly what you say when the relationship is, in fact, that bad.
Even Toto Wolff, Hamilton's former boss at Mercedes, has been traveling with him to races to "encourage" and support him. That's like your ex showing up at your new relationship to make sure you're okay. Not exactly a confidence booster.
Fantasy Implications: Hamilton is priced at £24M for 2026. That's Elite tier money for a driver who might be on the verge of retirement (again). The new regulations could be his salvation—he's struggled with ground-effect cars since 2022. Or, it could be another year of disappointment. Ferrari's track record of nailing regulation changes is... mixed, at best. Choose wisely, or more accurately, choose at your own peril.
RED BULL'S SPECTACULAR COLLAPSE
Helmut Marko has left Red Bull. Christian Horner got sacked mid-season. Adrian Newey fled to Aston Martin. The old guard is gone, and what remains is basically a ship without a rudder heading straight for an iceberg labeled "2026 ENGINE REGULATIONS."
But wait, it gets better! On his way out, Marko basically accused Horner of "lying about everything and anything" and suggested that the team's implosion cost Max Verstappen the 2025 championship (which he lost to Lando Norris by a mere two points). The departing Austrian also hinted he has "suspicions" about Red Bull's 2026 car prospects. Wonderful.
Fantasy Implications: Max Verstappen at £28M is looking like an increasingly risky investment. Yes, he's still Max. But Red Bull is debuting their own power unit for 2026 while simultaneously losing everyone who knew how to build a car. This has "expensive disaster" written all over it. Proceed with caution—or don't, I'm not your financial advisor.
THE GREAT 2026 UNKNOWN
Here's what we know about 2026: absolutely nothing. The regulations are brand new. The cars are completely different. Half the power units are untested. It's going to be glorious chaos, and I, for one, cannot wait to watch you all make terrible driver selections based on 2025 performance that will have zero relevance.
Audi is joining (as "Audi Revolut F1 Team"—catchy). Honda is back with Aston Martin. Mercedes is cutting customer teams post-2026. Cadillac is somehow joining in 2026. It's a complete free-for-all, and nobody has any idea who'll be fast.
Commissioner's Prediction: The first race in Bahrain is going to be an absolute disaster for approximately 80% of you. Budget carefully, hedge your bets, and remember: when in doubt, blame the regulations.
COMMISSIONER'S FINAL THOUGHTS
We're 89 days away from Bahrain, and the pre-season testing starts in just over two months. Use this time wisely. Research the regulation changes. Study the driver moves. Panic appropriately.
Team selections for Bahrain will lock on Friday, March 13 at 6:00 AM CST. Mark your calendars. Set your alarms. Prepare your excuses for when it all goes wrong.
Stay sharp. Stay informed. Stay delusional about your driver choices.
— Mark, Your Benevolent Commissioner